Where did all the Monkey go?
It's no secret that I'm a complete and total cinemaphile. No, I didn't have to register with my town or anything, so there's nothing to worry about. I just love flicks. All flicks. Good flick and bad flicks. Meaningful "arty" flicks and simple, brainless popcorn flicks. And being a maker of flicks as well, I'm interested in everything having to do with "the business" -- meaning I watch, read, and listen to anything I can about the state of Tinseltown.
And the buzz over the last 6 months has been, why aren't people going to the movies anymore? Is it the affordability of home theatre systems? Is it the myriad of commercials playing before the actual film? Is it the ridiculously high ticket prices? Is it the annoyance of inconsiderate movie-goes? Is it a general lack of quality films being produced?
No. No. No. No. And no.
Plain and simple, it is because nobody makes movies with primates anymore. And I'm not talking about the oversized "Kong" variety of primates. I'm talking about the adorable, REAL -- meaning "not computer generated" -- Chimps that once graced the Silver Screen, drawing as much attention as their 'star' counterparts.
Hell, even one of the most respected men in Hollywood, Clint Eastwood, worked with a Chimp!! And you know what? Clyde upstaged Clint's ass in every single solitary scene they had!
Don't believe the drawing power of the primate? Peep this: Even that 1995 flaming bag of dog shit "Congo" grossed $152,000,000 Worldwide. $152,000,000 PEOPLE!! ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!?! And trust me, it wasn't Laura Linney that got the butts in the seats. It was the simple fact that audiences are so starved for Apes in films that they'll even settle for men in poorly made Ape-suits!!!!
Still not convinced?
"Dunston Checks In" - $18,838,000 (USA)
"Buddy" - $10,005,081 (USA)
"Mighty Joe Young" (1998 version) - $50,628,009 (USA)
My friends, none of these are good movies, yet each of them MADE MONEY.
So if Hollywood wants people to go to the theatre, pay out the ass, and then sit through 35 minutes of goddamn FANTA commercials (does anyone drink that shit?), here's what they need to do.
They need to cast Sam Jackson for the "cool factor" -- AKA, to get dudes to the theatre.
They need to cast Elija Wood for the "dreamy factor" -- AKA, to get chicks to the theatre.
They need to get Peter Jackson to direct it.
And they need to title it APES ON A PLANE.
And for god's sake, they need to use some real goddamn Chimps!
Boom! Box office gold.
Why am I not working in Hollywood yet?
~ Stephen
posted by S. Rick @ 8:21 AM
3 Comments:
I am all for the using our close primate relatives for a little box office loot, and it would get my ass into the seat if for no other reason than curiosity.
Alright, I buy it all except Elijah Wood for the dreamy effect....can we at least cast Orlando Bloom in that part?
How about a remake of
The Treasure of the Sierra Madre
Titled: The Treasure of the Amazon Jungle
Dobbs and Curtin meet up in Africa, and go to work for a zookeeper, Pat McCormick, who takes them away to remote site and tells them they will be paid when the monkey is fed. When they are finished, they return to town to find McCormick to get their wages. McCormick gives them a few dollars, and says he'll just go to the bank and pick up the payroll for them. Dobbs and Curtin then meet up with an old trail guide, who claims the hills are full of monkeys, and if they can get the cash, he'll go with them. They eventually get the cash from McCormick after a little "persuasion", and all three set off for the hills as good friends. After finding and collecting monkeys and chimps that sign, greed takes hold of the three of them. Signature line "We don't need no stinking monkeys."
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