Tag, sucka!

No, I'm not talking about the old-school version of Tag -- where you'd run around like a jack-ass trying to touch other kids.

I'm talking about the LAZER version of Tag. That's right -- LAZER with a "Z". Only pansies spell LAZER with an "S". And there's no room for pansies in the world of LAZER TAG.

LAZER TAG was introduced when I was a child... and the concept was one of the most glorious things a young boy could ask for. GUNS that shot out LAZERS that would actually HIT A TARGET that your friend was WEARING!! HOOOOOOOOO-LYYYYYYYYYYY SHIIIIIIIIIIT!

Here's what that meant... no longer did "playing gunz" (as we called it) mean you had to pretend you were shooting at your friend, always knowing you had his ass dead-to-rights, but then the little shit would dive around screaming, "You MISSED ME!!!" Instead, now you'd hear that target BEEP every time you pasted the little shit with your sweet red LAZER!

Here's an image from one of the many brilliantly manipulative LAZER TAG commercial:


Notice the sleek black design... the red stripe down the side... that happily smiling kid at the bottom of the screen? Who wouldn't want that?!?! I'll tell you who... a stinkin' Communist, that's who!

Anyway, soon enough there was competition on the market for LAZER TAG's "shoot your buddies" crown -- and it came in the form of Photon. Photon, riding the coat-tails of my beloved LAZER TAG, tried to up the ante by offer Vests and Helmets and other shit with sensors on them... They even made action figures with the "photon technology" built in. What does that mean? It means that each little figure had a gun attached to his hand that shot "photons", and all of the figures also had sensors, so your fuckin' toys could actually shoot each other! Admittedly, that is some cool shit, but it just ain't LAZER TAG.

So, to try to expand and capture further markets, LAZER TAG decided to come out with a cartoon -- LAZER TAG ACADEMY, and a series of books -- "LAZER TAG ADVENTURES".




I must admit that, even as a child, I couldn't get into either of these. You see, when I'm running around with friends pretending to shoot one another, a lazer and some beeping sensors are enough. But when I'm watching (or reading) some sci-fi action shit, I don't want people who get shot to be like, "Oh darn! I beeped! I guess you got me..." Screw that! When Han Solo squeezed the trigger and drop some lazers into the chests of a few Storm Troopers, those fuckers dropped dead. The stakes were high! There was none of that beeping shit going on. Blast someone's ass or you're dead. Period. No second chances. No "score".

You can't build drama, tension, or amp up action with lazers and beeping sensors. That's the first thing I learned in my college creative writing courses. That, and you're never going to be a respected professional writer of fiction unless you develop one major-league bennies habit.

Anyway, shitty spin-offs aside, LAZER TAG kicked some serious ass up and down the block. The only problem was, I was the only one of my friends with a gun and sensor... and I only had one of each.

Oh well, maybe I can find them on eBay and get a pair. Then all I'll need to do is find one of my late-20, early-30 something friends to play with me -- 'cause just once, I want to LAZER TAG someone's sorry ass!