Where did all the Monkey go?

It's no secret that I'm a complete and total cinemaphile. No, I didn't have to register with my town or anything, so there's nothing to worry about. I just love flicks. All flicks. Good flick and bad flicks. Meaningful "arty" flicks and simple, brainless popcorn flicks. And being a maker of flicks as well, I'm interested in everything having to do with "the business" -- meaning I watch, read, and listen to anything I can about the state of Tinseltown.

And the buzz over the last 6 months has been, why aren't people going to the movies anymore? Is it the affordability of home theatre systems? Is it the myriad of commercials playing before the actual film? Is it the ridiculously high ticket prices? Is it the annoyance of inconsiderate movie-goes? Is it a general lack of quality films being produced?

No. No. No. No. And no.

Plain and simple, it is because nobody makes movies with primates anymore. And I'm not talking about the oversized "Kong" variety of primates. I'm talking about the adorable, REAL -- meaning "not computer generated" -- Chimps that once graced the Silver Screen, drawing as much attention as their 'star' counterparts.

Hell, even one of the most respected men in Hollywood, Clint Eastwood, worked with a Chimp!! And you know what? Clyde upstaged Clint's ass in every single solitary scene they had!

Don't believe the drawing power of the primate? Peep this: Even that 1995 flaming bag of dog shit "Congo" grossed $152,000,000 Worldwide. $152,000,000 PEOPLE!! ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!?! And trust me, it wasn't Laura Linney that got the butts in the seats. It was the simple fact that audiences are so starved for Apes in films that they'll even settle for men in poorly made Ape-suits!!!!

Still not convinced?
"Dunston Checks In" - $18,838,000 (USA)
"Buddy" - $10,005,081 (USA)
"Mighty Joe Young" (1998 version) - $50,628,009 (USA)

My friends, none of these are good movies, yet each of them MADE MONEY.

So if Hollywood wants people to go to the theatre, pay out the ass, and then sit through 35 minutes of goddamn FANTA commercials (does anyone drink that shit?), here's what they need to do.

They need to cast Sam Jackson for the "cool factor" -- AKA, to get dudes to the theatre.
They need to cast Elija Wood for the "dreamy factor" -- AKA, to get chicks to the theatre.
They need to get Peter Jackson to direct it.
And they need to title it APES ON A PLANE.
And for god's sake, they need to use some real goddamn Chimps!

Boom! Box office gold.
Why am I not working in Hollywood yet?
~ Stephen

Moments in Emasculation...

So I've got a huge blister on my thumb... I know, I know, that's a strange way to start a blog. Well it's not if the entire blog is about the massive, painful blister on my thumb, now is it? So anyway, I've got this blister on my thumb. And we all know that a blister is or bulla is a defense mechanism of the human body. It consists of a pool of lymph and other bodily fluids beneath the upper layers of the skin. It may be formed in response to burns or friction, and helps to repair damage to the skin. If a blister is punctured, it forms an open wound and should be bandaged to prevent bacteria and dust from entering the wound which could result in inflammation. (Thank you Wikipedia)

My blister, which happens to be the size of a Nickel -- that's right, the middle child of U.S. Currency, the NICKEL -- is located directly in the center of my right thumb, that miracle of evolution that has allowed us, as humans, the achieve great heights -- like playing video games!

I've even gone so far as to name my massive blister Ali (as in Cassius Clay). Why would I name my blister after the most famous non-ear biting boxer in history? Because my blister is the direct reult of playing several hours of EA SPorts Fight Night Round 3 on my trusty Playstation 2.

Now, there are several things very wrong with this entire scenario:

1. I played a video game long enough over the course of 2 days to get a blister on my thumb.

2. Said blister (Ali) is the size of a Nickel... not a Penny or a Dime, but a freakin' NICKEL!

3. I've dedicated an entire blog to Ali.

4. In sitting here writing about Ali, I'm reminded that I won the Amateur title and moved up into the Middleweight Professional Ranks last night, and it's making me want to brave the pain in my thumb to play again.

5. In an attempt to try to 'rehab' my thumb, it's wrapped lovingly in a Marvel Superheroes bandage and slathered in Neosporin. Now, I know Neosporin is for the healing of minor cuts and abrasions, but I'm hoping it can works is medicinal miracles on Ali, too. As I type this, both Spiderman and Captain America are looking back at my from the bandage as if to say, "No worries, Champ. We're on the job!"

Thanks, fellas.

So there you have it. My tale of woe from the Playstation 2 boxing front lines. It's dangerous out there.

The good thing is, Ali is located on my right thumb. And since I'm left handed, he's not affecting my Disc Golf game at all!

~ Stephen

SHARK WEEK!!!!!

Ahh... my favorite time of year. Better than X-mas. Better than my Birthday. Better than that day everyone has where they look back before they go to bed and think, "Man, that was a pretty freakin' good day." yep, even better than that.

Of course, I'm talking about SHARK WEEK on the Discovery Channel! One full week of shark related programming, covering everything from the anatomy of a shark attack, to the less-than-delicate intricasies of shark nookie. I ask you this; does it get any better than that? Ya know what, don't even bother answering 'cause everyone knows it doesn't.

This year I learned that the Great White may have the most powerful bite, but it's the Tiger Shark who's bite is the most dangerous. Why? Because of the saw-like teeth of the Tiger Shark, which will saw through flesh and bone like a warm knife through melted butter.

I learned that a 'grenade' filled with the hormone that sharks's release when they're afraid of something with make a dozen sharks in the middle of a feeding frenzy scatter faster than a lactose intolerant man who's eaten an entire ice cream cake.

I learned that surfers and swimmers are more likely shark attack targets not because they look like seals (as was the case during last year's SHARK WEEK), but instead because wounded fish and other sea-creatures can always be found on the surface, and any predator is going to naturally go after a wounded creature first.

I learned the Hammerhead Sharks have electromagnetic sensors under their 'noses' which allows then to 'see' their prey, even if it's buried underground! So, in essence, they can 'see' a creature's 'aura'! Holy crap!! Sharks are like Psychic Mediums on top of being miracles of evolution!!

I learned that a certain type of shark starts hunting prey while in it's mother's womb. That's right... prenatal cannbalism. (hey, even I couldn't make that up!)

I learned that there is less than 1 shark attack related death in the U.S. (on average) each year, yet there are 130 deer attack related deaths! Who knew Bambi was so goddamn bitter!!

And lastly, I learned that I can tolerate over 4 hours of shark related programming a night. Awesome...

The only bad thing about SHARK WEEK? Easy... the fact that it always comes to an end.