Dollar Store Jumpin'

Every so often, you get an idea for a post that excites you. I'm not talking about "gee, I wish I had a pillow to cover my lap with here at work" excitement, but a more subdued, family-friendly "can't wait to see where this random bit of shit is gonna take me" kind of excitement.

With me now? Good.

Where to begin? Well, on Friday I had a vasectomy. (See, I told you this would be fun!) I know, that's an odd way to start things off, but I said it, you read it, and we can move on knowing we're that much closer now. I would think that this paragraph is kind of like "sharing" at an AA meeting. Not to downplay the importance of that... just to say that it's not a comfortable thing to say or to hear, but we've done it, the sharing has happened, and we're better people for it.

Back to the vasectomy. I'm 29 years old. I've been married for 8 years. I have 2 wonderful children (a girl and a boy), 3 dogs, and my life is exactly where I want it to be. So the wife and I discussed it, and we know we don't want anymore kids. For my wife to "get fixed", it would have been much more intrusive, and potentially very dangerous. For me, it was an in and out procedure. I drive myself there -- I drive myself home. Bing. Bang. Boom. Done. So, it only made sense. I've heard a lot of guys talk about "losing their manhood" and other such lame-ass macho bullshit. That ain't me. I consider myself more of a man for stepping up to the plate and doing what is right to ensure no "oops" babies, and no danger to the wife. So there, you macho-pricks! Kiss my spermless ass!

However, a part of this whole process was extremely surreal. You see, there's pretty much 1 doctor in town that performs this oh-so delicate procedure, and his name is Dr. Stopp. Give it a moment... Ok, now say it out loud... the vasectomy doctor's name is Stopp.

Oh, but I ain't even hit the surreal part yet. You see, Dr. Stopp has been doing this a long time... a really long time. Hell, he performed my father's vasectomy (and he was old then). There's something so surreal (and inherently wrong) abot going to the same guy your father went to... I can only imagine it would be like your father taking you to a suburban cat-house when you turn 16 and you lose your virginity to the same woman he did... you just don't want to travel down that road.

Lucky for me, even in his golden years, Dr. Stopp has a keen eye and a steady hand. Everything is still where it should be and in perfect working order.

Anyway, what does my vasectomy have to do with the Dollar Store? I'm getting there...

Even though the procedure is quick and (relatively) painless, the recovery is fairly delicate. Too much movement over the first few days and the family jewels will swell like a nerf ball in a pool. So I had to take it easy over the weekend.

Well, yesterday (Sunday), I was starting to get a little sick of taking it easy. Granted, I really don't want an aching grapfruit dangling between my legs, so I'm going to listen to doctor's orders, but I also needed to get out of the house. And for some reason, I was hell bent on hitting the Dollar Store. As has been noted in my blogs, I'm somewhat of an action figure junkie. It is always my quest to find new, rather obscure action figures, so something the wife said to me on Saturday had stuck.

She'd just gotten home for a quick grocery run (as part of the pampering she bestowed upon me all weekend), and in her hand was a Dollar Tree bag. "What the hell did you go there for?" I asked. "Just looking for some fun little things for the kids to do." Sh proceded to pull out 2 Spiderman puzzles and a Spiderman Yo-Yo for the boy, and a two girlie puzzles and a Little Mermaid Yo-Yo for the girl. Also in the bag were 2 wooden birdhouses that she was going to have them paint when they got really bored (it was a rainy weekend -- lots of in the house time).

As usual, she'd done a bang-up job. She knows the kids, and knows how to keep them happy, even when cooped up in the house for 2 days.

"Nicely done." I said. She smiled, and I tried to smile back, but my boys were aching like I'd just been kicked with a steel-toe work boot. "I almost got something for you, too." She said. Instantly, my ears perked up. "What?"

"Well, they had these cool little action figures that made me think of you. They had a bunch of joints, so their arms and wrists and stuff all bent."

"Cool! What did they look like?"

"I can't remember, exactly. Oh shoot, I should have just gotten them for you."

"That's Ok, we can go back!" I tried to stand, but the kicked feeling intensified and I sat back down. "We can go tomorrow."

So Sunday rolled around, and although I was still hurting pretty good, I was hell bent on finding these figures the wife had teased me with. So we packed up the family and drove to the Dollar Tree.

If you've never been into a dollar store, you're just not living. Think of all of the crap people sell on their "Miscellaneous Items" tables at garage sales, only in brand-spanking-new condition, and that's what you'll find at a dollar store. Toys, books, cooking utensils, frames, magnets, flashlights, sewing and craft supplies, pet supplies, various snacks and food items, socks, pantyhose... and that's just 2 aisles!

It's a varitable cornucopia of definitely weird, mostly useless shit. It's like finding that dusty trunk in your grandmother's attic and opening it up, your mind whirling with the wonderful treasure you may potentially find. Granted, all you ever find are her old girdles, strange sunglasses, and a musty smelling afghan... but it's that potential that gets your blood flowing. Dollar stores are the same way. You only ever find crap, but the potential to find that rare treasure is always there.

But I digress... So, as a family, we crusied into Dollar Tree full of the promise of a cool new action figure. But, as is often the case with Dollar Stores, the merchandise turns over faster than the cast of the Major League films. (Good for you, if you got what I meant there) Needless to say, no action figure... Slightly disheartened, I suggested we hit another Dollar Tree not to far down the road. The fam was up for it, so off we went.

Dollar Tree #2 was bigger than #1, but also did not carry this mystery figure the wife had told me about. Now, in any other store, I would have become seriously disheartened. But this was Dollar Tree for God's sake! There was weird shit abound, and down any aisle untold treasure could possibly be found. So instead of getting bummed out and going home, we strolled up and down the aisles, laughing at the myriad of bizzare wares for sale.

Typically, 2 dollar stores would be enough for anyone on a fine Sunday afternoon, but not my clan! No, in Dollar Tree #2, we armed the children each with a small toy and some fruit snacks, and we headed out to yet another dollar store. This time, it wasn't a Dollar Tree. I cannot remember the name right now, but I can assure you it had the word "dollar" in the title.

This store was smaller, darker, and a bit scarier than the Dollar Tree franchises we'd been frequenting, but that only added to the charm. You see, a little less light and some slightly more cramped quarters just added to the feeling that an ellusive treasure was right around the corner.

Alas, no treasure was to be found. (unless you count the 12 inch generic Pirate figure in the bright, sequented shirt... 'Arrrrr' indeed.)

One might think of our jaunt through the world of 1 dollar priced merchandise as a failure. Well not me! We got to see a world rarely observed through such a wide lens. We hit 3 seperate dollar stores, each with their own distinct charms. We observed the geriatric shopper, unwilling to pay grocery store prices for ziploc bags and cling wrap. We learned that you can get Orville Redenbocker Butter Lovers' popcorn for a mere $1 for 4 bags! And 4 puches of Scooby-Doo fruit snacks? Again, my friend... simply $1.

And the love of your children? Well, there's no need to spend a fortune at Toys-R-Us... No, sir! Less than $3 per child and they're about as well behaved as humanly possible!

So I say, the next time you're hitting up Wal-Mart or Target in the local strip-mall, don't turn your nose up to that Dollar Store sitting there next to Payless Shoes and Blockbuster. Stop in with an open mind, a few bucks in your pocket, and a sense of adventure, and I guarantee you won't be disappointed.

And if you happen to find a cool generic action figure that seems to have a lot of articulation, drop me a line. I'm still on the look-out for the one my wife "should have bought" for me.
~ S. Rick