Conspiracy Theory Fun!

Hello, fair reader! What you are about to embark on is a journey into nut-ball conspiracy theories. Does that mean I am one of the nut-ball conspiracy theorists? No. But I gotta tell ya, I feel the same way about the conspiracy nut-balls that I do about all of the other passionate net-nerds out there, I love 'em. They provide me with hours upon hours of net-enjoyment. And really, you've got to respect anyone who puts as much time and effort into something as the net-nerds do.


So, what is the net-nerd conspiracy theory du jour for the day? It's a 2 parter. A double whammy. The ol' jab-hook combo. A nice 2 piece and a biscuit. Of course, I'm refering to The Philadelphia Experiment and the Montauk Project.

For those unfamiliar with these two examples of good old American experimentation and cover-up, I highly suggest checking out their entries at Wikipedia. They're fun reads that take you deep into the heart of American Conspiracy Theories. In fact, a case can be made that many of the conspiracy theories we've come to know, love, and parody, have stemmed from these two in some form or another. Of course, it must also be noted that conspiracy theory nut-balls, by their very nature, have to draw parallels and connections among the various theories out there, otherwise they'd get old pretty damn quick. So the fact that The Philly Ex., Montauk, Project Paperclip, the existence of the Yeti, Men in Black, Mind Control, Time Travel, and E.T. technology exchange are all linked really doesn't mean anything. But again, it makes for a helluva read... and you find yourself on the most interesting websites if you follow the trail through crazy-town! But I'm getting ahead of myself here...

For the uninitiated, the Philadelphia Experiment supposedly took place in the 1943 when expirimentation in using magnetic fields to render an object invisible caused the USS Eldridge to disappear from the Philadelphia Naval Yards, moving it through space and time where it was reportedly spotted off-shore at a U.S. Naval base at Norfolk, Virginia.

But wait!! That's not all. Apparently, not satisfied with what happened here, the military decided to really take their experimentation underground... literally. They moved operations to an abandonded radar station in Montauk, NJ. Here, experimentation with electromagnetism continued, this time using it to heighten mental abilities... Yes, we're talking ESP, telekinesis, and other psychic abilities here people. Of course, simply studying these things, starting from scratch, would be WAY too long of a process. So in an effort to speed thing up, Project Paperclip scientists were brought in.

Not familiar with Project Paperclip? Here's a little bit about it. After WWII, the American govnerment realized how far behind we were in certain... let's same, human experimentation. So, with the Nazi regime now defunct, many many Nazi Scientists found themselves out of jobs. So, instead of prosecuting these scientists for their gross atrocities against their fellow man, the US Government decided to sneak them into the country in an attempt to leverage their knowledge.

But wait!! There's even more!!! (Apparently electromagnetic fields coupled with Nazi scientists can do all sorts of weird shit. And I though they were only good for keeping my kids' artwork up on the refidgerator.) Through all of these experiments taking place in a VAST underground facility, researchers were able to open up a "hyperspace" wormhole. Through the wormhole, contact was made with extra terrestrials, who (of course) shared with us their expanse of technological knowledge. (none of which we apparently use today... other than the microwave and that little pen-sized nose hair trimmer that will not cut skin!)

Oh... it gets better... At some point in the 60s, when the hyperspace wormhole was still open, guess what materialized? Come on... guess! None other than the USS Eldridge. Makes sense, right? Since it was moving through space and time back in '43, why wouldn't it show up in an electromagnetic/psychic hyperspace wormhole in the 60s.

Fearful of what they were finding, the government decided that, since there are things in this universe normal folks just wouldn't understand, they needed to create the men in black. Will Smith and Tommy Lee Jones not withstanding, these MIBs are seriously bad dudes. If an alien ever plops down in your back yard, expect these cats to show up and mess with your shit. No simple mind erase flashy thing either... You'll find youself rocking back and forth in a padded room, drolling all over yourself and mumbling about lumpy mashed potatos served in a sneaker. (or something like that)

Ok, so now, in this gigantic underground facility, we've got psychics, hysperspace wormholes, crazy electromagnetic fields, disappearing and reappearing naval vessels, wise aliens looking to share knowledge, and now an army of men in black. Wow... and it's not even the busy season in Montauk yet!

So what's next? Well, this is where the story gets hazy... You see, we know all of this was going on, but at some point here, it all stops. Many say the facility was destroyed from within. Why? That's where it gets fun again.

One account states that the psychics became so powerful with their electromagneticly-heightened powers that they were able to conjour things from thin air simply by thinking of them. And one psychic, to prove his ability to do this, decided to conjour up a... wait for it... here it comes... a Yeti!


That's right... bigfoot. The f-ing abominable snowman. Because, really, if you're going to conjour something from thin air simply by thinking of it, why not a Yeti? The only thing that could be better would be the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man, right?


Now, by certain accounts, the yeti went crazy. (Of course he did... he's a yeti who suddenly finds himself in the midst of an underground government complex with hyperspace wormholes, electromagnetic fields, naval ships, psychics, MIBs, and former Nazi scientists... I'd go crazy, too.) In the midst of his yeti-meltdown, he pretty much tore the place apart, alerting the government to the inherent dangers of the experiments taking place, and thus convincing them to shut it all down.

Personally, I have a hard time believing that one freakin' yeti can do that much damage... Just toss his ass into the wormhole and let the ETs deal with him!

Another theory is that... I'm sorry... I have a hard time even typing this one. Ok, let's try this again. Another theory is that a giant space monster (yes, you read that right) came through the wormhole and destroyed everything and almost everyone in the facility. Luckily, a few brave scientists where able to close the wormhole (with the giant space monster in it), thus saving all of mankind.

Phew! Thank God for them, huh?

Anyway, after all of that, things in Montauk seem to have calmed down. No more underground facility. No more electromagnetic fields. No more Nazi scientists. No more Yeti. No more USS Eldridge... Unless, of course, you watch the show Lost.

Until I can get that pesky wormhole in my laundry room closed...
~ S. Rick